Or, I may go for a while thinking that I've really given everything over to him. But then I keep finding these little pockets of things I've held back. As I peel back the layers of my life and how I live, I see more and more just how much I tend to grab those reins back from God. And the more time I spend looking into my motivations, the more humbled I am. I am ashamed of myself.
As I've mentioned before, I am a planner. I like to know what will be happening, and when, and how. I am not much for spontaneity or surprises. I like to have all my ducks in a row, because I feel that it helps to keep things controlled, and my expectations more likely to be met.
Controlled. That's the crux of it, I think.
If I want my relationship with Jesus to flourish, I've got to continually relinquish my control. I want to produce fruit. If I cover my ears when I feel him calling me, if I turn away when I feel the tug on my heart, I will start to wither away... And if He is my Lord, then I had better act like it.
In the past few weeks I've felt that tug on my heart. I feel I'm being called to release something over which I had been holding tight control. That something is family size. The Lord has started to show me that maybe, just maybe, He isn't finished growing our family yet. And that I had better get over it, and get out of the way, thankyouverymuch.
I wasn't very willing. I wanted what I wanted. Storage space. A little more freedom. The chance to be finished with burp cloths, naptime and all those other "trappings" of infancy and toddlerhood. The opportunity to go to Disneyland, or book a flight, and not have more than three children to keep track of (not to mention pay for). But you know what? The more I looked at my motives, the more I began to see how selfish they were. That stuff isn't what life is about, and they certainly aren't what my walk with the Lord is supposed to be about.
So, if I want to sing...
"Lord, reign in me
Reign in your power
Over all my dreams
In my darkest hour
You are the Lord of all I am
So won't you reign in me again"
...with any shred of honesty, then I had better hand Him the reins.
So I did.
And do you know what? He has completely changed my heart. Whereas before I dreaded the thought of another pregnancy; I was frustrated that Jeff didn't have peace about taking steps to ensure that we were "done,"...my heart has now utterly softened to the idea of another baby. I am getting excited about what the future might hold. No, I don't know when that will happen, or how our family will look. Where before I thought I had a pretty good idea of what the next few years might look liks, now it's more than a little fuzzy. And while it does still scare me, more than a little... mostly I am excited. More importantly, I have peace about it. That in itself tells me, loud and clear, that it is from Him.
They weren't kidding when they said that life following Jesus was a great adventure!
