Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I want to be a success story. (part 1)
Like many women, my relationship with my body has been a bit tumultuous. Love, hate, discouragement, discontentment. Then there are reminders to be thankful - to remember what my body has done and continues to do, the health I've enjoyed. To remember that I should embrace what I have instead of always yearning for things to be different. I get that. I agree that I need to work on giving thanks instead of being ashamed of the things I'm ...well, ashamed of. Silver linings, the cup is half full, look on the bright side of life.
But here's the bald truth: I miss liking my body.
Because there was a time when I liked it. Oh, it was never perfect - there were always things I wished I could change or which needed improvement. I think everyone has things they'd like to alter about their appearance if it were plausible. But truly, there was a time when I really liked my body. It was back in the autumn of 2008, when our family had just begun our "food revolution" that is, our turn toward a traditional diet based on real, whole foods. My third child was about 6 months old. I wasn't at my thinnest (I had been far too thin back before we had kids). But I was at a very comfortable weight, feeling fit and trim - and this after a few months of incorporating far more healthy fats into my diet than I'd ever had in my life. I was eating fat...and losing weight! I was happy, giddy with the freedom of it all. My new way of eating left me feeling fantastic, so much energy and other wonderful changes. I had lost the last few pounds of my pregnancy weight effortlessly, naturally, and without any added exercise. I was on top of the world.
Things stayed this way for quite a while. Elise was conceived in May of 2009, and throughout my pregnancy I felt great about the amount of weight I gained: 22 lbs. The day after her homebirth, I stepped on the bathroom scale. Only 12 lbs to my pre-pregnancy weight! I was elated. I could do this! No problem.
Except that the weight would not come off. An entire year later I was still struggling to lose those 12 lbs. I'd tried everything I could think of. I had done the 40-day regimen from The Maker's Diet, which is what had worked so brilliantly in 2008. By the spring of 2011 I was entirely frustrated. I had tried a diet high in coconut and coconut oil. I had tried going grain-free. I bought a rebounder and exercised on it, in addition to pilates (with which I had great success for years). I tried a highly acclaimed workout routine (more on this in part 2). I did all the same things that had worked for me before - plus some.
I managed to lose about 4 lbs before Gabriel was conceived. After he was born I found myself with 20 lbs I hoped so lose. Well, my darling boy turned one year old last month, and those 20 lbs?
I've still got them.
But I want to be a success story. I want to find the key, the missing piece. I don't want to fail over and over. And I don't want to give up on my body at 36 years of age.
To be continued.