I am....

Totally exhausted.

Pooped.

Wiped.

Spent.

I am sore in places I haven't been sore since weeks 40 and 41 when I was carrying Owen. Last night I actually lay in bed whimpering because of ligament pain. My hips are killing me. I recently had to will myself to pivot, just so that I could walk into my new bedroom.

Moving at 36 1/2 weeks pregnant? Is a whole different animal than moving at 14 weeks.

Yet, I am supremely happy.





Because this morning? I found my maternity sweaters.

apartment living

So....we've taken the leap. We are now -- currently-- apartment-dwellers: something we haven't been for 7 1/2 years. All it not yet unpacked, by a long shot. And of course, it won't be. There's far too much to fit inside our tiny little place. Many of our belongings (furniture, keepsakes, kitchenware) is sitting in our two rented storage spaces.

And here we are. The boys are loving it, I think. Benjamin and Kyle are clearly happy to have their bunk beds back, along with some toys which haven't seen the light of day for months on end. Owen has his own room, but gleefully toddles into his brothers' bedroom whenever he has a chance. He has so much fun hanging out in there, playing with his brothers' toys, and just being with them.

All three boys have been sleeping like champions since we moved in, which is more than I'd ever asked for or imagined. Especially considering that we're on the ground floor, and that the boys' bedrooms are out next to the parking lot: so they're potentially exposed to the noise of people passing by, etc., as well as vehicles coming and going. What a gift their sweet sleep is!

Jeff and I, I must tell you, are struggling a bit. Not with each other...we're just somehow feeling very low about our new living arrangements. Everything feels crowded, and we still have boxes of things which we'd like to be here with us, but have no good place to put them. We're facing a new round of "Do you know where the ________ is?" It's very frustrating, and often the items are fairly important - recently missing was Benjamin's soccer uniform (the season's first game is Saturday...Jeff found it, thank goodness!). This is a minor example, I know. But this kind of thing contributes heavily to our morale.

Also, many things seem to be going wrong - the case in point being the theft of our van's CD player, as well as the family camera (as I mentioned in Monday's post). Jeff's car is not working right now, and we have no idea when it will be running again. We're receiving help of various kinds from our friends and wonderful church family. Yet we find that we are living with a sense of "...what will happen next?"

I hesitated to even write this post, because I don't want to come across as complaining. We are very blessed, and we know it. We're incredibly excited about the new house in January...it's just that January seems to be so far away. And there's this foreboding sense of "...what could go wrong with that?" Still, I decided to go ahead and write it, after all, for two reasons. First, I wanted to let you know how we are, now that the (first) move is over. But secondly and most importantly, I wanted to ask you to pray for us. It seems clear to me that we are under spiritual attack. We're holding on, but we're discouraged. So if you think of it, please keep us in your prayers. We truly covet them.

We're getting there, though. I'm getting back into the swing of things in my tiny little kitchen. I believe it is doing our hearts and bodies good to have nourishing food on a more consistent basis. And our family is in the midst of a very busy few weeks; hopefully once we're past that time, we'll be able to relax and breathe a bit better.

We are so thankful that the sale of "our" house did close, and for all we have to look forward to. Jeff and I are grateful for good health, a lovely pregnancy, and easygoing children. So as we begin this new chapter of our marriage, we're reminding ourselves to count our blessings. Because we are so, so blessed. We do know that.

the done deal

After months of attempts, toil, patience, excitement, disappointment, and pessimism laced with optimism, it is over.

We have sold our house!

All the parties involved have signed the required paperwork. It's official - we are no longer homeowners! I'd be dancing a jig and sipping champagne if I weren't expecting a baby.

As if I have time to sip champagne.

As if I have time to be blogging!

Tomorrow we begin the move: the next time I post, it shall be from a small but cozy 3-bedroom apartment.

Can you believe it?!

the now & the not yet

(*Title inspired by a song of the same title written by Pam Mark-Hall)


We put in a garden yesterday.

I suppose that the term "garden" by be a bit of a stretch. Our plot contains two tomato plants, a single cucumber, and a lone red bell pepper. I admit we're not terribly ambitious. But as our gardening efforts have had somewhat mixed results in the past, it seems like a good start.

I'm glad, I guess. I had been feeling sad that we hadn't put any plants in...actually I had just decided to do it back in March, when we got the offer on our house. So at that point we nixed our plans and started preparing to move. Obviously that hasn't panned out, and our garden has sat ~ lonely, neglected, barren save the weeds. It's been a sore point for me. I had really wanted to give a vegetable garden another try this year, and I felt cheated out of the chance to that by this whole "house thing," as we refer to it around here.

So now, it's in. Hopefully, as long as I remember to water our handful of plants, we'll see some progress, and production. It seems good. Like a step of hope, accepting our circumstances, blooming where we're (still) planted.

But it also makes me sad.

I hadn't expected to spend enough time in this house to eat from a garden this year. And we might not, still. But it's impossible to know, isn't it?

Something that I've been struggling with for a while now is the phrase "we were supposed to be..." We were supposed to be moved by the end of April, then by May 15th at the very latest, and then the end of May. It was supposed to be just fine to pack flip-flops, shorts, the pool, big pots, etc., etc., because we were supposed to be closing in two days. It's easy to feel bitter when I think about how it was "supposed to be."

But over the last few weeks, something in my thinking has shifted. I'm learning to see those things that I used to say were "supposed to be" as our former expectations. Yes, it's hard to let go of expectations. It's hard to accept that we're back to square one with this business of finding a buyer for this house, and a new place to live. It still smarts a bit to think of the dreams we fancied would come true.

But maybe it wasn't supposed to be, after all.

Here's the thing: I'm not a huge believer that"God causes everything." I know that He is over all, and has created this whole big world and everyone in it. I believe that He works, oh yes! But I don't necessarily think that He causes every single event. In fact, I think there's a lot of yucky stuff in life that just simply happens, as they say. It's a consequence of sin in the world, the fall of man. Stuff happens.

The Bible says that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him,^a]">[a] who^b]">[b] have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) And I believe that as we receive what life hands us, remembering that it comes through His filter, it can and will become a beautiful thing. Maybe not just when we'd like to see the transformation ~ no, it may be a good deal later. Still, God is faithful, operates on his own timetable, and his ways are infinitely "higher." (Isaiah 55:9)

And yet...and yet I can't shake the feeling that God's hand is in this. When we first realized that there may be problems with the sale of our house, I prayed that God would close the door if it wasn't his will for us. The door seems to be clearly closed. While that could just be something that happened, I don't have the sense that it is. I'm not sure what God's doing through this, but I choose to believe that He can create something amazing from what seems to be a mess.

Although we have no idea what the future holds, this is a promise: "^'11 For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

He has a plan. So whether this tiny garden brings fruit in the edible sense, increases our house's attractiveness to another buyer, or has merely built us a bit more character, I'll take it.

Whichever it is. As if from His hand.

UPDATE: back in the saddle again

Yes, that's right. We are back in the saddle again, as they say. On Saturday morning we put our house back on the market. Our "buyers" do not seem to have a workable plan for the purchase of our home. We're sad to give up on the one party who's shown interest, and if they work something out, we'll be thrilled. But for now, we really needed to detach ourselves from them. Our house has been off the market for two months, and we don't have much to show for it. Only a mountain of boxes, emptied shelves, and blank walls. Oh, and a bucketful of dreams that are slowly fizzling out....

The really sad thing, for me (well, for all of us), is the likelihood that we'll lose the house we want to buy. If we can buy a new buyer quickly, we may not lose our claim on it. We'll get our earnest money back, but the money we've spend on the inspections and appraisal is likely gone. Unless God sends a buyer our way (ideally a cash buyer!!) quickly, and "our" house is still available when that happens.

So here we sit. House half emptied. A good share of bedroom furniture, photos, etc. in the garage waiting for the moving truck we didn't end up renting. And we have no idea when or if our situation will change. It's maddening. Frustrating. Depressing.

Yet strangely enough, I have a peace about me. When things were going downhill so quickly last week, I asked God to close the door if this wasn't his will for us. It seems that He may be doing just that. I don't have to like it, but I do trust Him. And if this isn't the right time, the right buyer, or the right place to move, then you know what? I wouldn't truly want it, anyway.

I don't know what He's doing. But He does, and that's good enough for me.

"Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly"
~as recorded by Sanctus Real

on the move