taking the plunge

So... I am about to become a homeschooling mama. My plans are made; I just need a chance to go to the store to get some things to make materials. I hope that chance will come today or tomorrow...I'd really like to get things ready soon, so we can get school started next week.

I don't mind telling you that this scares the snot out of me. I can't quite put my finger on the reason. Maybe it's because I'm going to try to set things up Montessori-style, and the idea of preparing the Environment really intimidates me. Maybe it's because I'm fretting about how to switch gears from this crazy boy house to an place where my kids can learn. Maybe it's because I know that teaching isn't my gift, and I worry about being able to help Benjamin learn all that he needs to know-- offer enough that he won't get bored.

Whatever the reason, I am anxious. Worried. Fretful. I was never afraid of birthing my babies at home, without drugs or a doctor present: I am afraid of this.

But more and more it seems that this may be where God is leading me, at least for the moment. The charter school didn't work out (though it is a possibility for next year). There's a family that's started coming to our church in this past year; they have ten kids and homeschool. That mom has been a big encouragement to me: in fact, she's invited me to a meeting this weekend with local homeschoolers. Jeff has always had an interest in this, but I was never very comfortable with the idea. We're going to give it whirl, though.

Does the fact that I don't feel peace about this mean that it's not right? Or is it just my insecurities and anxiety speaking? Will I love it once I've begun? Or will I be counting the minutes until we can be done for the summer?

Two evenings ago the phone rang. It was the Christian radio station that we support. They wanted to say thanks, and to ask if there was anything they could pray about for us. Caught off guard, feeling a bit sheepish, I shared my worries. I was about to begin homeschooling my child, and I was nervous.

As it turned out, the woman on the other end of that phone? Had homeshooled her three children. And she had loved it. In fact, she had been nervous herself, when she started...but she was helped by a mom of eight who had homeschooled her own children. Two nights ago, this woman on the phone was able to encourage me there, in that unexpected moment. Her past experience comforted me about my present one. I was so grateful for that phone call. It seemed to me like manna from heaven.

I don't know how things will go next week. I do know that whatever happens, if we put the Lord into it, He will meet me there. And for that, I am truly thankful!