unraveling

Everything seems to be unraveling lately. My closets. My kitchen. Any shred of organization. My entire house, along with any hope of order.

And I'm not really handling it well. I didn't handle it very well in December of 2007 when we (and by "we" I mean Jeff and some other guys) re-did the floor of our downstairs. It's all just...upheaval. Furniture moved out of rooms, everything rearranged, a huge amount of extra clutter, piled on top of any previous clutter. I hate it. It's the kind of thing that makes me seriously question whether I could ever handle any major kind of home improvement project. I really think it has the potential to make me lose my mind. Therefore, we shopped more for bigger houses than for, say, big lots where we could build onto the house. A friend recently told me the story of when they added onto their kitchen and dining room. She cooked Thanksgiving in her winter coat because there was a wall missing. Me? I would come unglued.

Just the same, I am struggling with even this. Rooms half packed, the couch lined with boxes. Deciding what we'll need in the next three week or so, and what we can live without. Trying to imagine what it will be like to make the actual transition, when I'll have to stop cooking in this kitchen, etc.

And, of course, there is the cooking. A daily task, as I am out of practice at doubling recipes and freezing half of it ~ not to mention the fact that we've implemented a new budget, and I have yet to figure out just how to make that function, budget-wise. I'm working it out one week at a time, but buying extra and stocking up is still a bit of a mystery. I'll figure it out, but that's not helping the way my life feels right now.

Unraveling.

I'm behind. I'm sure a big part of it is that we've been sick for the past month or so. First there was Benjamin's pneumonia, the rest of us have had colds. And then a second round, which included a fever for both Owen & I. This turned into an ear infection... you get the idea. So it's been a challenge to keep up with the laundry & cleaning (not that I'm that great in the best of times). I'm keeping my head above water when it comes to food preparation, but barely. And I always seem to be a step behind on the clean-up...

And then there's the packing.

I think I may be a bit in denial of the fact that we are moving in three weeks. I mean, I'm packing, but...there is a lot to pack. We're talking about seven years' worth of stuff, including the transition from being a childless couple to having three boys. It's overwhelming to think about; I barely seem to scratch the surface, and I inevitably stir up a mess every time I make an attempt. This only adds to the general feeling that I am losing control of my house here.

Still, I have no doubt that it'll all be worth it. I am eager and excited about the change that we're making. I know that this is a necessary step in the process; that what will be moved must first be taken a part. But it's all pretty unsettling, unnerving. I feel that I'm living in a chaos of my own making.

I'll just focus on the idea of everything being knit together again....