I mean, really. Making conversation has always tended to be a struggle for me ~ the cadence of what to say, and how to time it. When to ask questions, pursue the subject more, or let it drop. It all seems like this mysterious dance, and everyone else seems to know the steps except for me.
Me? I fake it.
I take what I've gleaned from conversations over the years ~ the awkward and the comfortable, chats I've observed or even experienced. I apply the mental notes I've taken on what works and what doesn't. I'm no expert yet, as a good many people can tell you. But I choose to believe that I'm getting better.
This tendency that I have, this social awkwardness, leads to some anxiety. If I'm going to a place where I know I'll be thrust into a conversation with people I don't know very well, I am seized with nerves during the hours leading up to it. Even if it's an event which I've been looking forward to....anxiety bubbles up in my heart while I'm getting ready.
Take, for example, a field trip my homeschooling co-op recently went on: a visit to the local Guide Dogs for the Blind center. I'd been excited about it, and so had the boys. But when the day came, I began to honestly wish we'd never signed up to go.
We went, of course. I rarely let this anxiety actually keep me home. And the field trip was good...aside from the fact that they put children six year old and under (which all of mine are!) in a little room, watching a video on a small TV screen, for the entirety of the trip. Bummer! No tour for us that day. At least we got to pet some dogs, at the end: a small plus.
And the morning of this week's hike, it happened again. The day looked promising in so many ways, but I was once again nearly overtaken by fear of the unknown. Who would be there? How would it be? How would my boys do? And with whom would I find myself in conversation?
It was fine, of course. I got to chat briefly with some ladies I really enjoy from the co-op, and there were some friends from church attending as well. Socially (and in most other respects, as well), it was a great time. I'm really glad we went.
And that's the way it ends up going, the majority of the time. And as for the other times? When the awkwardness is palpable, and I feel like I've made the biggest fool imaginable of myself?
Those are the breaks, I guess.
Do you struggle with the dance of polite conversation? How do you deal with this?
9 comments:
Now that you have kids and most people you know have kids you have an endless source of inspiration for conversation. It's always pretty easy to observe what the kids are doing and make a comment as a conversation starter...
just an idea. :) You also have to remember that what you are feeling inside is not necessarily the impression people are getting on the outside and no one thinks you are really a fool. Keep on keeping on!
I have never met you in person but you really have a gift for the written word. I feel more awkward trying to write what I am thinking but you always do it so eloquently!
As for casual conversation, I just try to ask a lot of questions. Most people appreciate someone showing interest in them and will enjoy sharing about themselves.
Brigetta - Well, I've been a mama for more than 6 years, and this is consistently a struggle for me. It's just out of my comfort zone, and it does feel like a dance I'm trying to learn as I go along.
Erin - You're too sweet! I always think you express yourself well. And I definitely feel more comfortable using my voice in writing, rather than audibly. I sometimes think I should carry a little notepad with conversation helps (questions, topics, etc.) But then, that idea seems so contrived... I think I'll probably just keep winging it.
ETA - I'm much more comfortable chatting with people I know fairly well. It's those getting-to-know-you conversations that really trip me up somehow...
Mindy - i've blogged about almost this exact subject. i love writing too - & communicating from behind my computer screen, but to pick up the phone & call someone, or to be thrust into a social situation - any social situation at all - makes me sick to my stomach. i keep trying - same as you... & i cling to the fact that Jesus believes people are *important* - & they are important enough for me to make every attempt to get over my anxiety. One thing that i've tried is when i'm embarrassed, to smile really big (unexpected company come to the door, welcome them in with a smile... meet someone i sort of know on the street, smile really big & make the first move... )
*sigh*
's hard...
i think we're doing the polka while everyone else is perfectly executing the waltz... hehe.
I do struggle with the dance and I don't do it well...still. (In fact, I am already nervous about next weekend's womens retreat.) However, the older I get the more I am trying to accept that's how God made me. That I will never be the social butterfly with lots of friends. It's much more comfortable for me to have a few close friends and lots of acquaintances. As for what to do? I'm afraid I don't have any advice. I DO think it's great that you keep going to functions even though they are out of your comfort zone. Maybe you could bring your own rock? To climb under, of course, for those conversations where you feel a fool. =) hehe Hmmmm...maybe I could take my own advice... =) =)
I often wish I was more of a social dancer too. I get nervous making phone calls or receiving them and talking to people in person is just an exhausting mental task for me. I have learned over the years that people like you when they get to talk about themselves. So, I focus on getting people to talk about themself. The hard part then becomes actually paying attention to what they are saying so I can ask intelligent questions. The mind wants to stay focused on my paranoia. That is why it is so tiring. The sad thing is that I rarely meet many folks who will return the interest. I can talk with someone for hours and they will never find out about me. So, I am a mystery to most everyone I meet.
Oh Mindy, I'm the same way. I often feel like I'm faking it when conversing with other people. I often worry what they think about what I said. As I've gotten older I've tried to remember that it really doesnt matter what they think of me, but it is still a struggle. I hate to hear that you struggle in this way too, but it is comforting that there are others. And like someone else said I'm sure no one thinks you are a fool, I know I dont think that at all. Even remembering back to the most socially awkard years..High School I always enjoyed visiting with you:)
Minday, so well said! You say what most are afraid to admit. Many of us, including myself, have the ongoing social struggles that you so eloquently described. Thank you. When in doubt, let the other person speak and continue to be a great listener. I think that often says more about you than filling the space with words would.
This is a great post, thank you for sharing. Count me in as another who finds it easier to write than talk. I think it's actually been harder for me since I've become a stay-home mom. My conversations during the day are limited to young-childeese and when I actually get to talk to another grown-up, I feel the pressure to make the most of it and that can make it even harder to relax.
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